It's been a while. What with watching election news, participating in the dialogue, finishing my fifth novel, creating a Facebook page for my creative endeavors, and becoming addicted to Sudoku, I've neglected this blog site. And for that, I am terribly sorry. Life got in the way, you know?
Anyway, here I am, a little older and maybe even a little wiser. I'm making some lifestyle changes and see a physical move on the horizon after my foot surgery in December. Not somewhere far away, just away. Alone. By myself.
I want a tiny house with a small plot of land. I envision a fence around it but also a view of one horizon or another and an opportunity to search the heavens at night. I don't need much. More than that is but a distraction from the contemplation of my place in the universe, for that's really all that matters.
I got divorced last year after a tumultuous 37-year marriage. I got into the stock market with the pittance I received from the sale of my marital home. Economically, I'm not suffering. Physically (other than a genetic bunion), I'm not suffering. Emotionally, I'm a wreck but aren't we all, in one way or another?
Spiritually, I have always been on a journey that won't end until the day I die. And I'm content with that. Everything that happens to me is part and parcel of that journey. From the day I was born to the day I breathe my last, I've been making decisions and experiencing the agony or ecstasy of those decisions. Hopefully, I'm growing and not stagnating.
I stuck with my marriage out of a sense of duty, maybe even compassion. Or, pity? I won't discuss what I endured. I guess we both did a lot of enduring. Whereas my ex needed constant attention and approval, I needed neither. Fiercely independent since the day I was born, I found precious boundaries broken daily and personal dreams and goals rendered secondary to those of another. I had sacrificed my individuality for a relationship.
Did I feel loved? That's a tough question. Did I need to feel loved? Was it an instinctual necessity I craved in order to feel value, esteem? Was it something which I desire once again, now that I am suddenly single?
This election cycle reminded me of a fundamental truth about human nature. We long to belong. Would we have cared which candidate won if there were no camps in which to belong? I think this election of all the ones I've witnessed was the most contentious due to the fact that the camps were so divided in every sense of the word. I thought when Obama was elected was tough. These past two years have been worse, far worse. Far more campy.
But is belonging the be-all and end-all of love? Frankly, the election has left me wondering whose camp do I want to belong in? It isn't so much about sharing the same economic or political perspective, or even the same religious one. It's about sharing the same outlook on life itself. The same deep-seated principles and mores. The same soul.
How do I know, after two failed marriages, who of all the potential partners to align myself with will align with my journey? It is a unique one, after all, no more or less so than anyone else's. Whether we realize that or not. At this point, I am of the opinion that two people can't be on exactly the same one. So, who of all the potential partners I meet from here on out 'til the day I die will most match my journey?
It's like the political polls. One candidate or the other dominates the polls. Or not. In this past election cycle, the polls revealed a tight neck-and-neck race to the White House. It was hard to tell from one day to the next who would win. The uncertainty was daunting. Exhausting.
The same is true of relationships. How do we know which would be best for us? We don't have access to crystal balls to know the future. All we know is that we desire to belong to someone. We have no idea whether that will lead to a feeling of true love. The love we imagine for ourselves, if we are unfortunate to be able to imagine at all.
My imagination is rife with absolutes. My journey has led me to be dissatisfied with anything less. If you read my novels, you would have learned this about me. I'm older and wiser, after all. My decisions and my experiences have led me to a precipice, and I see nothing beyond it that can satisfy my deepest longing.
In the end, I belong to myself. After all this time, I know Simon and Garfunkel were wrong. It is possible to be an island.
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